Reconciling Ministries Network

Salting the Wounds

by Sean Delmore

The 2008 Northeastern Jurisdictional Conference (NJC) voted to support UMC clergy who perform same-sex marriage ceremonies in California.

In their rush to celebrate clergy colleagues an entire continent away, the NJC ignored its *own* clergy who might perform same-sex weddings, whether they're marriages in Massachusetts, or civil unions in Connecticut, New Jersey, New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, and the District of Columbia.

Lately, there's been a lot of handwringing and fearful vote-counting before GLBT advocates even dare to introduce affirmative legislation. I understand & embrace the need for strategy and careful discernment.  But I really wish that while the NJC was voting to affirm California clergy, they had paused long enough to add words of support  – or even a prayer – for clergy in their own Jurisdiction who suffer because UMC policy forbids them to perform same-sex unions within own churches.

In their supportive rush to put a symbolic band-aid on the California limb of the body of Christ, the NJC rubbed salt into the wounds of its own clergy who struggle to meet the needs of their GLB congregants within a homophobic church.

While I'm sure it was unintentional, it's a good reminder that fears and caution keep us from asking for all that we want, and giving voice to all that we need.

Box ‘em up!

By Sean Delmore

“They’ll box ‘em up – it’s easy!”  That’s what Dad said when my child-self wondered how all our stuff was going to end up in the new house – he’d hired people who would pack, as well as move, all of our belongings.  It did seem pretty easy – all I had to do was take my Red Flyer wagon to the backyard and stay out of their way.  Someone else was going to “box ‘em up” for me.  As a kid, my family moved A LOT.  The next time we moved, the hired movers were just – well, movers.  I had to pack my own stuff.  Stuffing my treasured possessions into a few tiny boxes no longer seemed easy at all.

I’m a lot more experienced now, but I’m not finding it any easier to fill out boxes! 
I’m pursuing ordination as a deacon.  The amount of  “paperwork” is unbelievable, though most it is online now, which should make it easier.  But I was stumped by the very first online form I had to fill out.  It went like this:

Name:  Sean Delmore.
Gender:  Yikes, a drop-down box, with only two options: Male, or Female.
I couldn’t leave it blank: the system wouldn’t let me move on until I selected one. 

The problem: Everyone who looks at me now sees a man, but I’m legally female.   
As things currently stand, I’m unable to change my legal sex to “male.”  So what do I select?  I want to be true to myself  (I’m a man).  But I don’t want to be accused of dishonesty (transgender people have been fired from public sector and corporate jobs for not revealing their “true” birth sex).

The implications extend far beyond a simple form.  I’m deeply concerned about usurping women’s space or place – there’s far too much sexism left in our church and society to cede such precious space to someone who neither identifies nor is socially treated as a woman.   But there are potentially dire consequences if I’m “officially” listed as male – possible legal sanctions for not having registered for the Selective Service; loss of health insurance coverage if my insurer decides that I’ve “changed” sex; and vulnerability to charges that I’ve “lied” by telling the church that my I’m male when my government ID’s indicate otherwise. 

I’m reminded again of how painful it is to be forced to cram yourself into an ill-fitting box.
As a transgender man, the church doesn’t persecute me with the kinds of sanctions that it imposes upon me as a gay man.  Reconciling United Methodists know well the cost of the anti-GLB rules contained in the Book of Discipline.  Of course, anti-GLBT rules are not the only thing that can box us in.  This week, I’m praying for a new light, that I might see – & change – how everyday practices cut me off from family, from church, & from god.