Reconciling Ministries Network

Beyond the Hatred: First Love, First Loyalty

by Peter L. DeGroote

If any come to me and do not hate their own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—they cannot be my disciples.Luke:14;26 (SV).

1. About 50 pastors in a continuing education class were asked if they had ever preached on the above verse. Few hands went up. Nevertheless, Jesus appears to have said something very close to those words so we are obliged to look further.*    Two guidelines for biblical interpretation can help:

A. The first guideline: Variations in Jesus’ words from gospel to gospel often reflect the conditions in the communities out of which the various gospels came. 

• Many early Christian communities were racked with emotional turmoil over lost family relationships. Ancient peoples had no identity without family. Orphans often became beggars or bandits; some sold themselves into slavery in order to be part of a household, household often being a synonym for family.**

• Many early Christian converts were disowned by their families and persecuted by their communities. Some LGBT people have experienced similar rejection by family, friends, and congregation and we have struggled with the power or our emotional responses. 

• A harsh, even hateful reaction toward those who reject or persecute us is not uncommon, particularly when we have to go through the trauma of having to find new relationships and form new families. That is true for many LGBT folks, for many groups through history, and certainly for the early church.

B. The second guideline: Jesus' teachings are logically consistent, even if they challenge our understanding (or wishes). For this reason, use of the word "hate" raises a red flag.

• Recall Jesus’ prime directive, the rule of love . 

• Primary to the rule of love is the forgiveness of others. (Forgive us…as we forgive them…). Hatred forfeits forgiveness and contradicts the rule of love.

2, Any who have experienced rejection and persecution from families, friends, and congregations understand the emotional turmoil that can lead to the feelings of “hate” expressed in this verse. It is reasonable to conclude that this use of the word “hate” arises out of the emotional turmoil of broken relationships and subsequent persecution of those early community members. 

3. But something remains; a spiritual message at the heart of the verse. Where Old Testament prophets spoke of idolatry in the form of pagan religious images, Jesus spoke of idolatry in the form of human values and loyalties interfering with his Way of living in harmony with God and God’s creation. 

4. Today we are challenged by loyalties demanded by our employment, social class, neighborhood, political party, nation, and even our religious denomination or community. More often than not, these create divisions between people, even hatreds. (The daily news is sufficient evidence.) 

6. We are called to choose a Way of life that is often costly for our relationships, careers, and personal security. We can easily doubt that calling because living in harmony with God and God’s creation can seem unrealistic when many about us are doing otherwise. But we are called to learn to live in harmony even with those who would criticize, demean, and persecute us. That’s called reconciliation. It’s easier to write about than to do.   

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*   The saying appears in Luke and twice in Thomas (55 & 101. That suggests its source is in a lost collection of sayings that the authors of Mark, Matthew, and John were unaware of or chose not to use. However, there is a significant variation in Matthew (55:1): Those who love father and mother more than me are not worthy of me…  Perhaps Matthew’s authors knew the saying source but were also uncomfortable with the word “hate.” However, Matthew’s context is much different from Luke’s. 
There are, of course, other passages which call us to first loyalties but I find this one worth noting because so many LGBT folks can identify with the emotions involved.

**The ancient family could:
• Demand absolute loyalty and obedience in a patriarchal structure.
• Often aggressively competed with others as many businesses do today.
• Were often the source of hatred and violence directed toward other families in what we call clan warfare.

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Peter is a second career pastor who has served in several churches in the Baltimore-Washington Conference. Prior to his ordination, he was a secondary-school teacher, a university lecturer in Government, an Associate in a government related professional association, CEO of a national financial institution. Peter was involved in Mid-Atlantic Affirmation, served on the National Council of Affirmation, and sat on the Board of the Reconciling Congregations Program, the predecessor name for RMN and has worked with BWARM (Baltimore-Washington Reconciling United Methodists).

The Fear of Church and Some Consequences

By Peter L. DeGroote

At yesterday’s BWARM* gathering a participant said the church is one of the most dangerous places an LBGT person can go. He was emphasizing the importance of clergy and leaders carving out a safe place of welcome in otherwise hostile congregational environments.

That was followed by stories pointing to another reality: Very often clergy are the source of the danger; that through sermons and attitudes clergy plant the seeds of rejection and hatred rather that a sense of honor and respect (love) for all creation.

Overall, the program produced a positive discussion of personal/family/church relations but stories from fear frequently popped up. We heard how growing up in the church had been an experience of fear; several heads nodded in agreement. We heard an outraged straight man tell of friends being beaten down by clergy and other church leaders. A seminary student, sitting next to his wife who was holding their newly born baby, worried about the influence of those churches in which they would have to raise their son—would they be reconciling congregations? What seeds would they sow? We heard a story of one man who had come to know gay and lesbian folks finding himself standing up in a church meeting to tell his pastor that his hateful speech about gay folks was a lie.

Afterward some of us old-timers reflected together. One, who has been a leader in reconciling activity for many years admitted that even now when he goes to church or a denominational gathering he has a set of defensive tools all shined up and ready to use. He is keenly aware that some resent his opinions, the fact that he has a voice in church and denominational affairs, and even his presence.

Another old-timer spoke of having to go elsewhere for spiritual strength and solace because he could no longer find those things in the church. His many years of fighting had resulted in his coming to see the church as just another social institution producing negative social values and, therefore, in need of change. He could fight those battles in any institution but remained in the church because that is where he learned to fight them; but his spiritual health comes from elsewhere.

When I got home I pondered where I stood in all of this. Being an old-timer myself, I share some of the feelings of those two old-timers described above. But I also feel something far more disconcerting. I have dealt with the fear, the rejection, the negative attitudes, and sometimes outright hatred as a pastor and preacher. That meant I had to face all of that in the context of biblical and theological understanding. In doing so I have come to realize the vacuity, self-centeredness, and institutional defensiveness that is at the center of so much of our practice, policy, and even our creedal declarations.

I am frequently reminded of the early churches recollection of Jesus’ attitude toward religious institutions: You religious leaders, you impostors! Damn you! You slam the door of Heaven’s domain in people’s faces. You yourselves don’t enter, and you block the way of those trying to enter. (Matthew 23:13with a slight modification to the translation by Funk, Hoover, and the Jesus Seminar.)

*BWARM=Baltimore Washington Area Reconciling United Methodists.

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Peter is a second career pastor who has served in several churches in the Baltimore-Washington Conference. Prior to his ordination, he was a secondary-school teacher, a university lecturer in Government, an Associate in a government related professional association, CEO of a national financial institution. Peter was involved in Mid-Atlantic Affirmation, served on the National Council of Affirmation, and sat on the Board of the Reconciling Congregations Program, the predecessor name for RMN and has worked with BWARM (Baltimore-Washington Reconciling United Methodists).

The Night That Changed My Life

by Joey Heath

Recently in my Hebrew Bible class, or Old Testament as it is called by many in other places, we discussed the Psalms and spoke specifically about the power of lament, which make up about a third of the Psalms. Despite this fact we rarely hear this side in our churches, the angry screaming “why?” at God. I thought I would share a time of prayer when I was lamenting to God because in that moment of being most real with God, God was more real to me then I have ever experienced.

I remember that night like it was yesterday. It was a random night during the week when nothing was going on and so I was over at my campus ministry house in the prayer closet. This space is what would have been a walk in closet when the house was a living space but was now used as a private prayer space off of a room we called the prayer room. This particular night was not really that different from most nights. As I had been doing daily for around two years, I was praying that God would remove my homosexuality from me. I was praying that God would forgive me for having felt attracted to guys that day. I was praying that God would forgive me for having the desire to see what it would be like to just kiss a guy. As usual I was crying and that night my prayer turned into lament.

After two years of daily commitment to study and prayer I felt no closer to my goal. In fact the pressure to keep up the facade was beginning to get to me. I was tired of not being honest with those I cared most about. I was tired of being depressed. I was tired of crying. Most of all I was tired of feeling like this struggle had taken over my spiritual life and even though I was doing my best to follow what I thought to be God's will for my life, I felt more distant from God than I had since I began my relationship with God. I guess in that time of prayer I reached a breaking point.

Suddenly my mood changed from sorrow to anger. I found myself saying to God “Why am I still this way? Why haven't I seen even the least bit of change? Why do you seem so distant while I am doing my best to be obedient?” Finally the real break came. I cried out “I can’t do this anymore! I can’t continue on like this so if you want me to change and you want me to not be gay then you are going to have to take it away yourself. If it is truly your will then you do it because I can't!”

In that moment my crying suddenly stopped and I sat back in silence. I just sat there for a moment and that is when God spoke to me in a way I will never forget but will probably never be able to describe. It wasn't an audible voice but it was not a thought coming from me either. It was something else coming from somewhere else, it was God. God said “that's ok Joey I love you anyway”. With this message from God a peace suddenly rested on me that I can only describe as the peace of God. It was like suddenly God had swooped me up in God's loving arms and held me. In this peace I knew that God was telling me it was ok for me to stop fighting, that God truly loved me, and that I am a beloved created child of God. In that moment all the sorrow, distress, and despair seemed to melt away, replaced only with God's comfort.

That moment has become a defining moment in my life. It was one of the clearest experiences of the presence of God I have had. While I live with the presence of God daily this was a special moment when God reached down and touched me in a moment when I truly needed it. What is even more interesting is that it came out of a lamenting experience, a moment when my emotions were raw and I was completely honest with God. I guess what I am trying get at is that God was present with me in my time of lamenting and honored that place of honesty it took me too. So why do we not preach this from our pulpits? Why do we say to question God or question the will of God is heresy? Why do we tell people that church is not the place to yell “why?” to God?  It is in those moments of honesty that it is sometimes easiest to meet with God because we are most vulnerable. So why is it so uncomfortable to question God?

The Cause of so much Pain...

By Joey Heath

This is a part of a conversation I have been having with friend who happens to believe that homosexuality is against God's will. After I wrote it to him I felt like it was something worth sharing with other cause I realized I had just poured my heart out to him. I would also like to note that out of respect for him these are only my words and nothing he has said.

For me I am simply told to be celibate and alone because I know I will never be attracted to women. I'm told because of that fact, I must turn my sexuality off. That is why I see it as so different. You are not being told to turn your sexuality off just channel it to a proper place. There is no option like that for me. I tried to turn it off and many people I know have as well, spending years trying to do just that only to meet with defeat. It cant be that they didn't try hard enough or believe enough because I know people who have done some really crazy things, I'm talking extreme measures, in the name of turning it off. Do you know what the result was? For me it was that so much of my life became consumed with staying focused on not allowing my attraction that it took over. My focus was not on God anymore and I saw it happening but felt powerless to do anything because I felt to only other option to fighting my "sinful desires" was to let them roam free. All this led to was depression and separation from God. I was a mild case. I have heard of so much worse, things like people attempting to cut off their own genitals because they felt like that was the source. Where is God in this pain that is experienced by so many of God's children? Since when was being obedient to God so painful all you want to do is die because you don't feel like you have the strength to even lean on Christ? Why would God allow such suffering in God's people who are only trying to be obedient?

Those are questions that are tough to answer. Those questions are why I do what I do and why I want to be a minister, so that I can help easy the pain and suffering of others. God is love not pain and suffering. I didn't originally intend to write this much but I hope it helps you see why i am so passionate about this. It has never been about my own sexuality. I would give it up in a heartbeat if I felt that was God's will. For me it is about the pain and suffering I see that I know God has called me to ease, and use that to bring hope and joy back to the LGBTQ people of faith and those who have wandered from their faith.

A Dry Well

By Katy Krumbach

Ps 6:2-3

Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am languishing;

O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled.

My soul also is sorely troubled.

But thou, O LORD - how long?  (RSV)

 

   Like the psalmist, we can believe that God loves us, that God is present in our life, and that God is gracious and caring toward us, and yet, when we are in the darkness and void we cry out: ‘O LORD, how long?’ Most people of faith have thought or cried out this question in the midst of despair.

 

   For those crying out in the night, the question can, in itself, raise doubts:

Ø  ‘Is my faith real? solid? or is my crying out a sign of unwillingness- a weakness of faith?’

Ø  ‘Just how quickly am I willing to return to MY strengths, MY resources, MY self when the going gets tough?’ Do I really trust God?

Ø  ‘What would this moment look like if I were faithful and trusted God?’

 

   When our two oldest children were 8 and 9, they loved to wander in the 600 acres  of woods behind our house. One evening, as it was getting dark, we realized they were not back yet and our anxiety level rapidly grew. My husband and I tore out of the house- into the woods- and began calling “Alex!  Audrey!” And then, we called, “Audrey! Alex!”  It became so dark the flashlights we brought needed to be turned on. The darkness ate up the light so that we could see our next step, but no more.

   “Alex! Audrey! - - - Audrey! Alex!” Into the darkness we cried- then we heard a faint cry: “Mom! Dad!”  It still took about 10 minutes for us to be hugging and crying together.  The walk back to house was a retelling, a collective shedding of the stress as we shared our experiences and feelings. In the years which followed, the kids learned more woods-skills and were never lost again. I thought this was a growing-up experience of outdoor skills.

   Years later, Audrey asked me if I remembered this day. Oh yeah- like I could ever forget it. Then she added: “You know mom, what I learned that day was more than not getting lost in the woods. I learned that I could trust you. I learned how far you would go for me (for you see, that is the night I threw down the crutches I had been on for weeks and decided to get past the pain.)  I learned I could trust you. Later, when I was in high school and college, and we argued – when I was determined you were wrong, I always remembered that night and listened to you although I did not agree with you- I would give you the benefit of the doubt. I trusted you because I knew you were trust-worthy.”

 

Moments of doubts can be opportunities to remember:

Remember HOW and WHEN  God loves you- not just that God loves you;

Remember HOW and WHEN  God’s presence was real- not just that it is;

Remember ‘this is my body broken for you . . . this is my blood poured out for you.’

 

In our moments of despair when we cry out, “How long, oh God?” we can remember our relationship with God based on experience- we can be sure that God is the source of love, strength and peace because of our past. We can be sure that this moment, too, will become another memory upon which we can build our trust in God.

What's In a Name?

Anonymous,Anonymous.

This is my name as I join you on the Reconciling Ministries blog. It is really a non-name and it is not the name I would choose. It is not the name I did choose for myself years ago. I hope to share my chosen name with you in the future, but I fear to do so now. I feel a bit sheepish about this, about the conflict and fear I feel over sharing my name. This is ironic to me.

I grew up in conflict and fear. I grew up with a name I could not bear to hear spoken aloud in reference to me. As soon as I was old enough I found a nickname I could bear: that name was "Sherman". At the time my adolescent friends dubbed me Sherman neither they nor I were perceptive enough to see the truth hidden there: She-r-man. Soon teachers, parents of friends, and peers all called me by this name. Sherman, a name that means "Shearer of sheep". Although I had no sheep, I finally had a name I could live with and no longer be anonymous in identity.Years later, following myriad medical and legal hoops, all the tests, and all of the surgeries, I discerned another name, a sacred name, holy to me in the truth it speaks about who I am; how I see and understand myself today. I love to hear my name spoken aloud.

Anonymous, Anonymous.

After all these years why am I anonymous again? Because now I do have sheep; the sheep of Christ's fold that are my denomination and my congregation. The sheep, many of whom would reject their shepherd if they knew his story; my story. But my sheep need to know this story. It is the story of my faith journey. It is the story of God's leading and loving in my life. It is the story of my call to ministry. It is Life. How can I be authentic without speaking and living my story? How can my heart not break at long last from pent-up pressure of words and truths I long to share; words and truths God created in me as one witness, one more expression of the unfolding story of God's love for us all that, for Christians, begins with Jesus the Christ?

It has been twenty-seven years now, this church-imposed anonymity.

Anonymous, Anonymous.

What's in a name?

I am.