Reconciling Ministries Network

family values

By Don Deems

My partner and I are both public school teachers.  I remember, when we were first a “serious” couple, contemplating taking him as my date to our faculty holiday party and consulting my dear friend and colleague Karen about the matter.  I was agonizing over whether to introduce him as “my friend” or “boyfriend” or what.  Karen said, in a moment of tremendous insight, “Man Deems, that sucks.”            

“What sucks,” I asked.

“That you even have to think about things like that. . . . I can take Fred (her then husband) anywhere and it is no big deal.  It must be exhausting having to think about stuff like that all the time.”

I had never looked at things that way.  It IS, or rather WAS exhausting. That brief conversation has proven to be a real turning point for me in terms of being out.  I really had never considered that all too often, we live our lives in constant risk-assessment mode—who will be there at the party?  How out I am I with this particular group?  Will my partner be comfortable there?  It has been our experience that being out is truly a liberating thing (BIG revelation, I know!).

We are so tremendously blessed with parents and siblings and extended family and colleagues with whom we are totally out.  Our nieces and nephews view us in exactly the same light as they do other configurations of aunts and uncles.  Our parents refer to us as “son and son-in-law” and colleagues treat us as they would any other couple, gay, straight, or other.

This acceptance is a remarkable blessing and we are so incredibly grateful for being surrounded by love and acceptance that transcends mere tolerance. One of my brothers once pointed out to me that this kind of family inclusion should be treasured by any couple, gay or straight.  So often families reject family members’ “significant others” for varieties of reasons, usually caused by ignorance and hard-heartedness.

Our families’ acceptance of us SHOULD be the norm.  In fact, perhaps the ideal situation is one where sexual orientation is a total non-issue, but perhaps that is a topic for a future blog entry.

Even though the world seems to be moving ever more rapidly toward full inclusion, there are still so many groups that actively hurt God’s gay and lesbian children.  In addition to my and my partner’s accepting biological families, we feel additionally blessed by our accepting church family.  We reconciling congregations seem to have been called by God to serve as families for those who have suffered rejection by other family groups.  Thanks be to God for our special calling and responsibility to serve God’s people and to be FAMILY for all God’s people!

words words words

By Don Deems

     I really can’t stand the phrase “How are you?” I know it is supposed to be a friendly type of “Hey there, other person in the world; I am acknowledging your presence and am at least making a perfunctory attempt to express my care and concern for you” but all too often it feels to me like interrogation. Why must I be put on the spot to come up with some colorful anecdote about my recent exploits or to produce from thin air some witticism in response to the other’s as yet unanswered query. My friend Doris usually replies “I’m well” or “I’m blessed” and I suppose I would do well to follow that lead. My partner accuses me, and perhaps rightfully so, of having these nitpicky linguistic pet peeves that really seem to bother no one else.

     Nonetheless, perhaps there ARE some times when we should activate the language radar. Our brothers and sisters on the other end of the political spectrum are often rather insidiously deliberate about how they characterize us and our efforts to make real the vision of a truly inclusive church. Rather than GLBT (or LGBTAQQPI-add-your-initial-here), they always use the term “homosexual” thus keeping the emphasis on our apparent degenerate, deviant, and diabolical behavior in the boudoir and elsewhere. Actually, when everyone realizes that we are just as boring as everyone else, the mystique will be gone, as will hopefully the attacks on God’s gay and lesbian children (Thanks to Mel White for the “boring” quote.). I like to consider myself a “worker for civil rights” while the folks on the other side of the fence would characterize me as a “homosexual activist” who wishes to “destroy traditional values”; all this, I suppose, when I am not busy running around looking for puppies to kick. I mean really, Google search “homosexual activist” some time and see what kind of fear mongering malarkey is out there.

     Despite its many institutional flaws, one thing I do love about the UMC is its ever increasingly wide spread use of non-gender specific language. Having God referred to as “He” now sounds strange to my ears. In our church, we often begin the Lord’s Prayer with “Our Mother, who art in heaven” and I love this. God is too big for just one set of pronouns.

     Maybe we are approaching the day when words to describe us will be unnecessary. I have asked my aforementioned friend Doris if she prefers to be called black or African American or what. She replies, “I prefer to be called Doris.”

     That is some "labeling language" with which we can all live, happily and peacefully.

Prayers, Presence, Gifts, Service

By Don Deems

My partner and I are both life-long United Methodists.  We were baptized in the United Methodist Church, confirmed in the United Methodist Church, and were essentially raised in the United Methodist Church.  Our parents and grandparents served their Methodist churches in many capacities, including chairing Administrative Boards.  In fact, my partner and I met as a result of our involvement in the UMC.  We were introduced by a mutual friend who went to college with him (Ohio Wesleyan University  — Methodist school) and worked with me on an UMCOR mission project to North Carolina after Hurricane Fran.  We have been together over ten years and are quite active members of Clifton UMC here in Cincinnati.  He is the music director, and I serve as finance chair.  I have also sung in the choir, served as treasurer for over eight years, worked with our ministry to the homeless, and we have both taken several Disciple classes, served as delegates to Annual Conference, and enjoy helping with the church lawn care and landscaping, among many other things.

So why have I given you my Big Methodist Bio?  I guess just to preface what comes next. Many friends have asked why I remain affiliated with an organization whose official stance is that I am “incompatible with Christian teaching” and in fact, some have even likened this to staying in an abusive relationship.  While I can certainly at least understand the logic behind such thinking, I also think that the only way the church is ever going to become fully inclusive is for us to stay.  After all, it is MY church.  My spiritual journey is on a path that was set in motion and is guided by the UMC.  Through the church, I have come to know the love of God through Jesus Christ, and I do not plan on abandoning those relationships any time in the near future.

Additionally, I feel so blessed to be part of a United Methodist community where all are TRULY welcome.  How many of God’s beloved LGBT children have been told that they are not welcome, as God created them, in the church?  What a wonderful blessing it is then to be a sanctuary where those who may have been marginalized or excluded by other churches can come and worship and be part of a community where they can know and share God’s love.

Our church has a booth at Cincinnati's Gay Pride Festival.  Among the many people we met at that event was a young gay woman who was looking for a United Methodist Church where she would be welcome and could worship in the tradition in which she had grown up.  She walked right up to our booth and said, “I’ve been looking for you!” to which my friend Heather quickly replied, “And here we are!”  Indeed, here we are.  And we’re staying.  Thanks be to God.