The Night That Changed My Life

by Joey Heath

Recently in my Hebrew Bible class, or Old Testament as it is called by many in other places, we discussed the Psalms and spoke specifically about the power of lament, which make up about a third of the Psalms. Despite this fact we rarely hear this side in our churches, the angry screaming “why?” at God. I thought I would share a time of prayer when I was lamenting to God because in that moment of being most real with God, God was more real to me then I have ever experienced.

I remember that night like it was yesterday. It was a random night during the week when nothing was going on and so I was over at my campus ministry house in the prayer closet. This space is what would have been a walk in closet when the house was a living space but was now used as a private prayer space off of a room we called the prayer room. This particular night was not really that different from most nights. As I had been doing daily for around two years, I was praying that God would remove my homosexuality from me. I was praying that God would forgive me for having felt attracted to guys that day. I was praying that God would forgive me for having the desire to see what it would be like to just kiss a guy. As usual I was crying and that night my prayer turned into lament.

After two years of daily commitment to study and prayer I felt no closer to my goal. In fact the pressure to keep up the facade was beginning to get to me. I was tired of not being honest with those I cared most about. I was tired of being depressed. I was tired of crying. Most of all I was tired of feeling like this struggle had taken over my spiritual life and even though I was doing my best to follow what I thought to be God's will for my life, I felt more distant from God than I had since I began my relationship with God. I guess in that time of prayer I reached a breaking point.

Suddenly my mood changed from sorrow to anger. I found myself saying to God “Why am I still this way? Why haven't I seen even the least bit of change? Why do you seem so distant while I am doing my best to be obedient?” Finally the real break came. I cried out “I can’t do this anymore! I can’t continue on like this so if you want me to change and you want me to not be gay then you are going to have to take it away yourself. If it is truly your will then you do it because I can't!”

In that moment my crying suddenly stopped and I sat back in silence. I just sat there for a moment and that is when God spoke to me in a way I will never forget but will probably never be able to describe. It wasn't an audible voice but it was not a thought coming from me either. It was something else coming from somewhere else, it was God. God said “that's ok Joey I love you anyway”. With this message from God a peace suddenly rested on me that I can only describe as the peace of God. It was like suddenly God had swooped me up in God's loving arms and held me. In this peace I knew that God was telling me it was ok for me to stop fighting, that God truly loved me, and that I am a beloved created child of God. In that moment all the sorrow, distress, and despair seemed to melt away, replaced only with God's comfort.

That moment has become a defining moment in my life. It was one of the clearest experiences of the presence of God I have had. While I live with the presence of God daily this was a special moment when God reached down and touched me in a moment when I truly needed it. What is even more interesting is that it came out of a lamenting experience, a moment when my emotions were raw and I was completely honest with God. I guess what I am trying get at is that God was present with me in my time of lamenting and honored that place of honesty it took me too. So why do we not preach this from our pulpits? Why do we say to question God or question the will of God is heresy? Why do we tell people that church is not the place to yell “why?” to God?  It is in those moments of honesty that it is sometimes easiest to meet with God because we are most vulnerable. So why is it so uncomfortable to question God?