The gay lifestyle

By Heather Murphy

I keep hearing about the gay lifestyle.  Apparently, I'm supposed to be having lots of promiscuous sex, cheating on my many sex partners, and going to bathhouses regularly for orgies.  Oh, and dying of AIDS before I'm 40. 

Are there even still bathhouses out there?  I thought they all closed in the eighties.  As for lots of promiscuous sex, I wouldn't even know where to look for it.  I'm 100% sure that James Dobson spends way more time thinking about gay sex than I do.  I'm just trying to remember whether I put out the chicken to defrost before I left for work, and where the heck the mates to all my socks go.  (Evidence suggests that my socks are definitely not faithful to their mates.  Maybe I should create www.godhatessocks.com.)

I have this fantasy of creating my gay lifestyle blog, an accurate depiction of the gay lifestyle.  And then basking in the spectacular dullness of it.  I suspect that my faux blog is a lot more typical of the licentious homosexual lifestyle than some conservatives would like to imagine.  Sorry to disappoint you, Mr. Dobson.

My Gay Lifestyle

Tuesday 

Gym.  Work.  Class at church.  Yay!  Marcus Borg!

Wednesday

Gym.  Work.  Spend entire evening on Facebook, trying to win a game of Algerian Solitaire

Thursday

Gym.  Work.  Watch a Marx Brothers movie.  Yay!  Spaghetti for supper!

Friday

Gym.  Work.  Get together with friends to watch the musical commentary on Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog.  Follow up with hysterically awful old movie.

Saturday

Five-hour church council meeting.  Tacos.  Yay, tacos!  Twelfth Night feast, in medieval costume, with historical recreationists.  I'm such a nerd.

Sunday

Church.  Nap.  Roll over.  Second nap.  Phone call with girl I'd like to go out with (Note: this is the gayest thing I do all week.  No bathhouses are involved.  Though I did take a bath.)

Monday

Gym.  Work.  Yay!  Pork chops for supper!  

Tuesday

Gym.  Work. Attempt to read  The Theology of John Wesley.  Sentences like "It has often been claimed that Wesley's practical theology, as a species of a broader Arminianism, underscores the importance of co-operant grace" make me think I'm not as smart as I thought I was.  

Eat your heart out, Fred Phelps.