Why do you ask?

By Ann Thompson Cook

The questions started when I began standing up for LGBT equality in the mid-1980s. I still don’t have good answers for them. I know this because my answers so rarely satisfy the people who ask the questions.

The first question is, Do you have a gay child? My answer is, No, not that I know of.

But that doesn’t really answer the question. Many people then take it to another level by asking, So… why do you care?

My usual answer begins with my outrage that people are being discriminated against for who they are, and it ends with something like, Because I want the next generation of children—GLBT or not—to be free to be themselves….

Often people leave these conversations puzzled and unsatisfied. Some simply shake their heads and wait for me to come out. They assume I couldn’t have that kind of passion unless I was lesbian.

I too am left unsatisfied. What is behind these questions? Why can’t this person accept that it makes a difference to me to eradicate this “ism” that hurts so many–those who are LGBT and those who are not?

My guess is that behind the questions lies deep hurt, a backlog of experience of being let down and betrayed by straight people, even those who say they’re supportive. Meeting me for the first (and sometimes the 100th) time, many LGBT people can’t assume that they can trust me, can’t assume that I won’t let them down like so many others have before.

Of course, I’ve had similar experiences (without the explicit questions) as a white person among people of color. It’s the water that we who are privileged swim in with marginalized communities.

At first, I found these exchanges deeply frustrating. Over the years, I’ve learned to simply and profoundly pay attention.

I can remind myself that it’s not personal, it’s not about me. But I can also use the exchange as a reminder to continue the inquiry: Where am I still blind to, or comfortable with, the “givens” in my life that are not available to others? 

Why? Because it’s blindness and comfort that, in the end, will likely be the source of my disappointing or betraying people that I say I’m standing with.